What I know about romance pt. 1

As a philosophy student, I was taught that getting what we want kills our desire for it. I’ve come across this notion a lot in our culture. We want what we can’t have, or we prolong the courtship with what we desire, because when we get what we want, the magic is extinguished and we are left disappointed by what we get. 

I’ve noticed that my clients often express this view, sometimes implicitly, sometimes they say it outright: that love is disappointing when romance eventually meets reality. Sometimes they will share with me the pain and burden of heartache, their experiences of bad or chaotic relationships, or simply how hard it is to love and work and live all at the same time, and how lonely an unfulfilling relationship can feel. I can relate. 

They will often tell me their view that the magic of early love stands in such contrast to those experiences. And when they say that, I do wonder how our connection fits into that, and whether seeing me and building an ongoing romance is an ingenious way to experience that magic that they treasure, to get all the nutrients of excitement and desire, without the disappointment they had come to expect when the rubber meets the road in a relationship.

And this ongoing romance is something that I get to enjoy so often with them, and it thrills me. I date men who are sweet, chivalrous, thoughtful, passionate. My clients notice what I like, whether it’s how our date is structured, or gifts like lingerie, perfume, spa days or serving me oysters (my favourite), dark chocolate, preparing my favourite drink or a dish I might like, these gestures are so beautiful and touching to me. And I cherish being able to show my appreciation and care in return.

8 months in, I am still surprised at times by how erotic I find these experiences of being treasured and valued, and how much fiery desire it stirs in me. This recent X post by Elle Maran says it better than I could: 

I think Elle is expressing a wisdom that providers know so deeply. That an ongoing connection based on romance and seduction can be just as deeply felt as a typical romantic relationship.   

Our cultural understanding of romance misses this experience entirely. Culturally, we see desire and romance as a prelude to something else, like a commitment or a deflation. But providers and their connections know that there is more to romance than this. 

My connection with clients is not less real because it is both ongoing and romantic. Yes, my long term connections are still charged in erotic electricity and romance, and for me personally, the experience of being treasured in this ongoing way makes me want them more and more over time, miss them and feel increasing butterflies before a date. The typical markers of intimacy are unnecessary for us to have deep experiences, to grow erotically and share deep parts of ourselves. And as far as I can tell, there is no real cultural script for what we share.

This romantic experience is a new frontier for me. We are building a private world, a private sanctuary away from the rest of the world, where the clarity of our mutual expectations sets us free to express our deepest erotic and romantic selves. For him, he is free to honestly ask for what he wants without shame, or without worrying about not giving enough in return or about compromising the other important things in life.

For me, there is just as much real intimacy, real pleasure and real care as I have experienced in my personal life, sometimes more, because the clear boundaries and the quality of the people who I connect with make it such a joy to be as horny and perverted and soft and cuddly and spontaneous as I like. 

The name Nina isn’t a fiction or falsehood, even though I may have chosen it myself. Instead, Nina represents the part of me that I get to share in this private lover’s domain. Nina is my my most sensual, feminine self, for the lips of lovers to speak in our private world, and for nobody else. Nina is the part of me that exists in the space that our culture seems to not know how to describe, a whole alternative paradigm of what romance can be, that provider and client have known so well, but keep a heavily guarded secret. We know that romance can be so much more than a prelude to something else, a route to a relationship or disappointment. The romantic world I create with my clients contains so much depth and beauty, raw intimacy, self-discovery and erotic power. For myself, and for the right kind of man, open-minded, discerning and a romantic deep down, our unique connection is a radical choice that provides the nutrients for a vibrant, exciting life.

With love,

Nina x